


Schwarzenegger and DeVito, at it again!

by Crewe



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-18 05:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8151295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crewe/pseuds/Crewe
Summary: Grog can't read, but with a bard around, who needs books?
After an attempt to prank Vax fails, Scanlan and Grog have to find some other way to entertain themselves.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by writing angst to write the polar opposite of angst.
> 
> (Stay strong, y'all, the good times will come again. T_T)

“Ow, fuck!”

 

The line of red appearing across Scanlan’s palm did nothing to quell Grog’s uproarious laughter (or assuage his own wounded pride) as the gnome glared at the locked door in front of him and kicked it angrily.

 

“ _Shit_!”

 

Fuck, that was his toe!

 

Things were not going quite as smoothly as he had hoped.

 

The plan was simple: break into Vax’s room, steal the shiniest, most important-looking thing they could find, and plant it in Vex’s. Then just sit back, relax, and watch her kick the shit out of her twin. Vex could get the catharsis of beating up her brother, he and Grog would get the satisfaction of pulling one over on the rogue, and the whole team would get the hilarity of watching Vax get in trouble. Great for morale!

 

Unfortunately, they didn’t count on his door being _locked_.

 

Rogues.

 

Grog calmed down just enough to ask eagerly, “Want me to break it down?”

 

Scanlan’s glare only set him off again.

 

“Grog, this is a _stealth_ mission! We can’t just break it down!”

 

“Well, don’t you have that, like, poof-y thing you can do where you just go somewhere else? Can you do that to go inside then get the door for me?”

 

…

 

The sound of Scanlan’s palm hitting his forehead resounds through the empty hallway. He hissed as his cut came in contact with his skin. It probably left a gross red smear, too, god dammit.

 

“I’ll be right back.”

 

With a wave of his hand and a hummed tune, Scanlan hops through a tear in space to the other side of the door, where he quickly undoes the latch and swings it open to admit Grog. He sweeps a bow, and takes a step back to allow him in…

 

… Right into something solid that he’s pretty sure _should not be right behind him_.

 

“Oof!”

 

“Scanlan?”

 

_Fuck_!

 

Scanlan whirls around and gives the bewildered rogue ( _who most definitely should not be in his room right now_ ) a cheesy grin.

 

“Vax! Hey! What are, uh, what are you doing here?”

 

Vax quirks an eyebrow.

 

“This is my room? What are _you_ doing here?” He eyes Grog suspiciously. “Is this one of your pranks?”

 

“What! No! We would never! Why would you even—I am _offended_ —“ He might be laying it on a little thick, but he’s not prepared, okay?! Grog said Vax was in the kitchen! “I thought this was the library!”

 

Vax turns his dubious gaze downwards.

 

“So you were trying to break into the library. With _Grog_.”

 

“I’m teaching him how to read! Right, Grog?”

 

Grog startles, apparently not expecting being asked to _participate_ in the alibi. Fucker.

 

“Uh, yeah, right, and I totally know just _so_ many letters now.”

 

“ _Really_.”

 

“Yeah, really!” Scanlan cuts in. “I’m an amazing teacher. The best teacher, obviously.”

 

“How many letters do you know, Grog?”

 

Grog triumphantly holds up three fingers, looking for all the world like he’s proud of this imaginary accomplishment. “Tons. Uh, F, G, 7, circle, exclamation point.”

 

Scanlan just barely restrains himself from another face palm and instead directs a winning (and not at all forced, come on, he’s a _professional_ , here) smile in Vax’s direction.

 

“… Yeah, good job, Grog.” Vax looks down at Scanlan, then crouches down and leans in to say, “By the way, ah, Scanlan?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Stealth missions really work better if you don’t yell about them right outside the door you’re trying to break into.”

 

Damn it.

 

“Well, clearly this is not the library, so we’ll just be going come on Grog let’s leave right now.” Scanlan turns on his heel and sets his palm against Grog’s thigh, shoving him out of the room—and silently thanking the gods that he’s humoring him by moving. He can hear Vax straighten and chuckle dryly behind him.

 

“Yeah, good idea.”

 

The second Vax slams the door behind them, Scanlan throws up his hands and glares at Grog.

 

“What the hell, man, I told you to make sure he wouldn’t be there! You told me he was in the kitchen!”

 

Grog looks, frankly, baffled by the fact that Scanlan is mad at him. He gestures helplessly. “Well, he was!”

 

“ _When_?!”

 

As the goliath starts counting on his fingers with a look on intense concentration, Scanlan turns away in frustration.

 

“Um, how long ago was breakfast?”

 

“ _Uuuugh_! I love you, man, but c’mon. You are a shitty lookout.”

 

“Well, you’re a shitty door-opener. I bet I could—“

 

“You both are really shitty at keeping quiet, you know that?”

 

Scanlan and Grog both jump and whirl around in unison to find Vex’ahlia leaning casually against the wall a few yards down the hallway. She twiddles her fingers and gives a sly grin in greeting and Scanlan is suddenly terrified.

 

“Vex!”

 

“Yes, hello, darling. So, what were you two doing in my brother’s room?”

 

Scanlan and Grog exchange helpless glances. They _really_ should have prepared an alibi beforehand.

 

“Um, reading?”

 

Vex’s eyes snap to Grog and she raises an eyebrow. Scanlan marvels at how she can at once look almost exactly like her brother and yet _infinitely more terrifying_.

 

“Oh, is that right, Grog? I know you’re very good at that.”

 

Grog huffs and puffs out his chest, studying his (frankly disgusting, Scanlan needs to sit him down and give him a goddamn manicure one of these days) fingernails imperiously.

 

“Yup, that’s right. I am a reading _expert_.”

 

“… Right. Of course.” She draws out her first word as her eyes slide over to Scanlan.

 

He resists the urge to gulp. She’s like a fucking shark when it comes to secrets, seriously.

 

“Scanlan?”

 

He tries to catch Grog’s eye again, but he’s still preening. Asshole.

 

He sighs. He probably _could_ lie to Vex pretty successfully, but if she even suspected it she would be after him like a dog with a goddamn bone and honestly, who needs that kind of trouble? Besides, Scanlan trusts her not to be mad.

 

Y’know, mostly.

 

“We were going to steal something of Vax’s and plant it in your room to start shit so you’d kick his ass.”

 

One eyebrow raises. “Oh?”

 

 “… We thought it’d be funny.”

 

Vex blinks once, slowly, then chuckles softly to herself.

 

“That _would_ be funny.”

 

She then fixes him with a stern look ( _has she been taking lessons from Pike, jesus_ ) and he stands just a little straighter.

 

“Next time you decide to fuck with my brother, darling, come to me _first_ , okay?” Vex straightens up from her slouch and barely waits for a nod of acknowledgment before turning and giving them a small wave over her shoulder. “Have a good day!”

 

The two wait for her to turn the corner before looking back at one another.

 

“Well, she didn’t kill us, so that’s good,” Scanlan says, rubbing at his neck.

 

“It’s because she was impressed with my reading abilities,” Grog replies, brushing off some speck of dust on his pauldron.

 

Scanlan considers arguing him for a couple seconds before quickly dismissing the idea. Confusing Grog is funny, but there’s always the chance he’ll decide to make it physical and sometimes the guy just doesn’t understand that he is extremely capable of _squashing Scanlan like a bug_ if he’s not careful. He hasn’t yet (probably a childhood with Pike to think for that), but the gnome is perpetually aware of that possibility.

 

Instead, he lets out an explosive sigh and starts meandering down the hallway. Grog easily keeps pace with legs that are approximately twice the size of Scanlan’s entire body.

 

“Well, that plan is completely fucked.”

 

Grog just grunts companionably in agreement.

 

“So what do you want to do now?”

 

Scanlan is prepared for an immediate proposition of violence (to him, to the party, to property, to plants, to random strangers, to passing wildlife, the possibilities are endless and yet Scanlan is somehow sure he’s heard all of them over the course of his friendship with Grog), so he’s taken by surprise when the big man falls silent.

 

It goes on so long that Scanlan is honestly wondering if maybe Grog has managed to fall asleep on his feet while still walking (and prepares himself to be suitably impressed) before he finally speaks up.

 

“So, uh, y’know that, ‘reading’ thing?”

 

Scanlan’s eyebrows rise.

 

“Yes…?”

 

Grog’s face is one big furrow of concentration and thought that kind of looks painful and Scanlan has the brief urge to tell him not to hurt himself before he finally comes out with, “What if we actually… tried that?”

 

His eyebrows shoot _way_ up into his immaculately coiffed hairline and Scanlan stops short to stare at him.

 

“You. Want to try. Reading? Seriously?”

 

Grog immediately looks defensive.

 

“Yeah. What?”

 

Those eyebrows are in the outer realms right now, and Sarenrae might never give them back.

 

“Just, _you_? Reading? _Why_?”

 

Grog huffs and puffs and mutters for a little bit, but no way is he getting out of this now. He has been perfectly content with his ability to recognize his name and Pike’s and nothing else until now. What the hell could have brought this on?

 

“No, seriously, man, what the fuck?”

 

He lets Grog get away with bluster until he finally realizes that Scanlan is serious about this, and groans.

 

“All right, look, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Grog gives him such an earnest look it’s almost adorable. It would be if it wasn’t coming from someone quite so good at… looming.

 

“Yeah, sure, of course,” Scanlan replies eagerly. It must be embarrassing. He wouldn’t embarrass his bro in front of the rest of the party, but he definitely wants to know what the hell could have embarrassed _Grog_ into wanting to learn how to _read_.

 

Grog sighs. “Okay, so, the other day I went to the kitchen to get some bacon, right? And I see Percy, and he’s sittin’ at the table reading a book. So normally, like, I’d grab it and hold it up real high so he’d have to jump to get it back, y’know?”

 

“Yes, of course.” After pranking Vax, humiliating Percy is their favorite hobby.

 

“But I’m lookin’ at this book, right, planning on how I’m gonna grab it from him without him noticin’, and I see that on the cover is like, this really badass guy. I mean, totally shredded, really fuckin’ cool sword, giant black horse with a flaming mane, the whole thing. And I’m thinking, holy shit, since when do books look cool? And I wanted to find out what it was.”

 

While Scanlan can’t quite picture the exact book (Percy guards his few personal ones like a starving dog who’s also an asshole guards its food, which he supposes considering their second favorite hobby is probably justified), but he can imagine well enough the type. It was probably the story of some legendary hero that some hoity-toity author had decided the bards couldn’t tell well enough and had _written down_ (the heretics).

 

Frankly, he’s a little offended Percy even _has_ a book like that. Hello, legendary bard Scanlan Shorthalt, right here? Living right down the hall from you? What a dick, honestly.

 

“It was probably folk tales,” he finally tells Grog, when he realizes his friend is looking for a response. “You know, stories about great warriors and stuff.”

 

“Right, yeah, that’s what I thought, but I didn’t want to ask Percy, ‘cause I was worried he might make fun of me, and then I’d have to pound him to a pulp and Pike would be upset. But I knew you wouldn’t do that, ‘cause you’re my buddy, right, so I thought maybe I could ask _you_ to teach me how to read, so I could look at books like that that might be actually _cool_.”

 

“How long ago did this happen?” Has Grog seriously been nursing a secret urge to read for a while now?

 

Grog starts counting again.

 

… Right, nevermind.

 

“I mean, I’m flattered, Grog,” he says quickly, and he honestly is, a little bit, that Grog would come to him about something like this (instead of, say, Pike), “but let me tell you a secret.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Reading is for _nerds_.”

 

Grog huffs. “Well, yeah, duh, I know that, but what about books that are like, _really metal_?”

 

“Grog, you know I’m a bard, right?”

 

He tilts his head like a confused puppy. “Uh, yeah?”

 

“Do you know what bards _do_?”

 

Grog waves his hand dismissively. “Yeah, you blow on your weird stick thing and say words in like a weird way and it makes me feel, like, _really_ pumped so I hit things better.”

 

Scanlan heaves a put-upon sigh. All the immense pure creative talent he shows these people day in and day out, and what does he get in return? This. It’s like they don’t even realize how lucky they are to have a bard of his caliber (i.e., the best) hang around them all the time.

 

“Well, you’re not _wrong_ , but do you know what bards do when they don’t have the day job of saving the asses of a bunch of adventurers?”

 

Grog tilts his head the other way.

 

“… No?”

 

Well that is just a goddamn travesty, and it cannot be allowed to stand.

 

“Well, they sing songs and play music and all that, but mostly they tell _stories_. Stories about the coolest fucking heroes that ever existed, except cooler than that, and also like a million times better than any asshole _book_ writer could ever hope to achieve. And you, my friend, have the world’s greatest bard _right here_.”

 

He spread his arms demonstrably, just to make sure Grog got the point. He wouldn’t put it past him to start looking around for said world’s greatest bard and then Scanlan would have to kill him, and _then_ he’d have no one to hang out with but Vax or Percy because the women wouldn’t put up with him for long enough, and he can barely stand the angst that rolls off those two from a distance.

 

Also, Pike would murder him, which is decidedly unsexy. Even if he’d leave the most beautiful corpse you’ve ever seen.

 

Fortunately for Scanlan’s future social life, Grog seems to get the idea. Or at least, he keeps looking at Scanlan, which is good enough.

 

“So, you, like… you’re good at telling stories?”

 

“I am the _best_ at telling stories. You don’t need no stinking books. Are you a nerd, Grog?”

 

The look of concentration he’d worn as he pieced things together immediately dissolves into one of outrage.

 

“What? _Fuck_ no! Who’s been saying that about me?!”

 

Whoops. Better pull it back before they’re down at least one party member.

 

“Nobody, Grog, nobody, because you don’t read, remember?”

 

“Oh, right.”

 

Phew.

 

“So, instead of going to the library like losers, how about I tell you a story instead?” Scanlan cracks his knuckles then rubs his hands together in anticipation—it’s been a while since he’s really had the chance to flex his creative genius this way. Vox Machina just doesn’t have the proper taste for his masterpieces, bunch of uncultured swine (yeah, you too, fuck you, Percy) that they are.

 

“Yeah, all right!” Grog seems relieved and excited by this prospect—poor guy was probably terrified at the idea of actually trying to learn to read. His pride probably wouldn’t survive the first lesson intact.

 

Scanlan’s not sure the library would, either.

 

“Cool. Okay, so—aack! Grog!” Scanlan yelps (in the manliest way possible) as Grog grabs him by the back of his collar and deposits him on one broad shoulder. The goliath shrugs and Scanlan grabs for the straps that normally hold his axe to avoid being dislodged.

 

“Sorry, mate, but it’s just you’re so little, and I couldn’t really hear you that great from all the way down there.”

 

“What? Are you saying that you can’t hear me when I talk? But I talk to you all the time!”

 

“Yeah, well, mostly I ignore, like, every couple words, but I want to hear the whole story, you know?”

 

“ _Grog_!”

 

“Yeah, yeah, can we just get on with the story now?”

 

Scanlan is puffed up like an angry bird and all ready to go on an offended rant, but his friend is giving him such a hopeful look that he slowly deflates. That, and the satisfaction of someone actually asking him for a story is enough to smooth his ruffled feathers.

 

“All right, fine. Okay, so.” His voice changes as he shifts smoothly into storytelling mode, becoming lower and smoother than his usual ~~high-pitched squeak~~ seductive tones. Grog starts ambling down the hallway with Scanlan still holding tight to his armor straps.

 

“There once was a legendary hero, whose name was Burt Reynolds—“

 

“Hey, isn’t that the name you—“

 

“Don’t interrupt!”

 

“Right, sorry.”

 

“ _As I was saying_ , Burt Reynolds was the smartest, bravest, sexiest lawyer in all the lands. He and his best friend Phillip, who wasn’t _quite_ as hot as him but was better at breaking skulls with his bare hands, traveled far and wide, killing kings and assholes and giants and winning, just, _all_ the ladies…”

 

The two continue down the hallway, unaware of the eyes following them.

 

“That’s _adorable_ ,” Keyleth whispers to Percy, peeking out of the door of the library.

 

He rolls his eyes over the cover of his book from where he’s sitting in his favorite armchair. “That’s one word for it.”

 

“Aw, c’mon, Percy, even you can admit when something is sweet.”

 

“You’re right, it is pretty sweet that they’re keeping each other out of our collective hair for a while.”

 

Keyleth huffs at him and comes to sit back down.

 

“You’re lucky Grog didn’t catch you reading one of your romance novels.”

 

“Oh, _god_. Don’t even joke about that. Now come here, I think I found that plant we saw in Kymal. It looked like this, right?”

 

Keyleth turns away from the door to return to her friend’s side, leaving Scanlan and Grog—sorry, Burt Reynolds and Phillip, to their adventures.


End file.
